Probably one of the most difficult lessons in life that I’m still trying to learn is to go with the flow.

For as long as I can remember (even in childhood), I have insisted on steering the boat, full throttle, in a direction that I know with certainty, is the best possible course for me and anyone else in close proximity to me. Ah, the hubris!

It took me a while to realize it, but now I can easily admit that I’m a bit of a control freak. Once I was made aware of this personality trait by a loving and kind friend, I reflected on how much it affected my overall happiness throughout the day and how that, in turn, affected those around me that I loved and cherished. So being armed with this self-knowledge, I began to take active measures to catch myself in the act of being controlling, in order to change my behavior. My family was, to say the least, very grateful!

I believe that my control issues began when I started school. I realized quickly that if I applied myself to my schoolwork, I would be rewarded with good grades and praise. Not that this is a bad thing, but I took it to the extreme by thinking that this is how I must always perform to receive any reward. Talk about pressure. Then it grew.

I had to look a certain way or have a job or career that met a specific financial standard, etc. You get the idea.

I built up in my mind this picture of what I considered the perfect woman, with the ideal body, career, husband, life. The trouble is, I had no idea what I was trying to really build. Nothing was ever perfect in my mind. I was simply reacting to external stimuli that I thought was pointing me in the direction of ultimate happiness which meant that everything had to be done a certain way, or I would be a failure.

The biggest mistake I made in all of this striving was never asking myself if I was happy. Seriously. I didn’t ask myself if I loved my career path. I knew I was good at it, but did I love it? My body was fit, and it did everything I asked of it, but did I love it? I was trying to force my life into a direction that I thought for certain was the best life for me. Why did I think I was going to love it?

It seemed that the more I pushed for this perfect life, the more I struggled. Things didn’t just naturally fall into place. There was no reward for all my diligent work! People didn’t always react the way I thought they would or what I expected to happen naturally and easily, was a real struggle.

This story is probably resonating with a few of my fellow control freaks. Push, push, push…struggle, push, struggle. It was never ending and exhausting. I watched other people I knew and they seemed to be doing really well! They were happy, excited, energetic, and fulfilled. What was their secret? Were they just lucky and I drew the short straw?

So, being the “analytical researcher” type and a spiritual seeker, I started to evaluate my methods and my intentions. AHA MOMENT! I realized that what I was doing (everything I was told that would bring me happiness) and what I wanted or intended for myself did not actually match. What I wanted in my life could not be found on the traditional path.

Fortunately, I had read books and watched movies on manifesting. I got this! So I visualized my ass off.

In my visions, I had detail, dialogue, emotions, and a clear plan on the way it should all play out. Um, what was that last one…a clear plan on the way it should all play out? Ha! I should have stopped while I was ahead. I clearly had a detailed vision of what I wanted to manifest (I even had a vision board). I felt joy and happiness as I thought about what I wanted to manifest. All good…except I wanted to control the process.

I have been working with and studying Divine Energy for a while, but I was missing the key to manifesting. TRUST.

I didn’t trust the Divine to fulfill my vision in the best way because I thought I knew how it should all play out. Then I realized that I only know about .01% of what would have to happen to fulfill my visions while the Divine sees all of the moving pieces and parts. Perhaps I needed to take a seat and allow the Divine to row the boat for a while.

So here I am now, sitting in the boat with my sun hat and holding a cocktail, allowing the Divine to take me gently down the stream. Sometimes I get anxious or fearful about my dreams, and I try not to obsess about the process. These feelings pop up like boulders in the middle of the stream and stops my progress.

When this happens I remind myself to navigate around them by having faith in the Divine. It has never steered me wrong.

I will probably always want to row the boat, but by going with the flow and allowing the Divine to steer, I get down the stream much faster and even avoid a rock or two.

Life is but a dream.

This is a story of a young, brave woman. This story is about battling a monster, alone, and in the dark.

The young woman enters her empty workplace ready for work. The Clash is blasting in the headphones and there is a coffee in hand. Yes, it is 6:15am, but her spirits are high. Things are normal. It's quiet in the building. The lights are dimmed.

She shuffles around, performing her mundane tasks, and then she enters THE ROOM. 

It’s the size of a small dog and flipped on its back, writhing in front of her. MANY profanities escape her lips, and she’s stuck in indecision between curb-stomping this little jackass and quitting her job. Once she calms down she makes an attack plan. She channels William Wallace and puts on her war paint.

She grabs a tea cup and a piece of paper. She creeps into the dungeon and yells...

"FFFFRRRRRREEEEEEEDDDDOOOOOOMMMM!!!!"

She charges. With an agile, swift movement she traps the little jack-wagon in the teacup covered by the piece of paper. It puts up a twitchy, hissing battle. It fights to free itself. But she could tell it was losing strength.

The lady warrior is in a cold sweat. She drags this dense monster down the hallway and takes the looming, dark elevator ride down to the first floor.

With her last remaining strength and a cry of anger, she throws the little bastard out with the trash. She wins the battle. She knows the war is still to come. She needs a drink.