Why It’s Okay

I’m going to dive right in and assume that most people struggle with the emotion that is Anger. It will arrive in various shapes and forms, and though it can be expected under obvious circumstances and experiences, it also takes us by surprise. The sensation feels like heat, warmth, and acute inflammation in the esophagus from my personal experiences. There is a knot that will slightly twist in the stomach area, and the jaw locks solid.

Anger resides in every one of us as a sudden attack that sometimes leaves as quickly as it arrives, or it stays rooted as a chronic, dull ache that is on a constant simmer for days, weeks, months, or even years. The latter is my “go-to” type of anger. There is also the violent, destructive, and explosive anger which can end up with major consequences. I’m not a behavioural expert by any means, but I have either experienced these different forms of anger firsthand or by close association with others, and I feel confident in stating that each version of Anger is serious if not processed in a healthy way.

All of these versions of Anger are lived-in by people, and therefore I’m acknowledging that it is okay to be angry and to equally believe that you are a good person. There should be no guilt! I’m diving into this topic because I’ve personally felt guilty for being angry with other people, on various levels, and never allowed myself the moment(s) of seriously focusing on an acknowledgment of that specific anger in that present moment. I only ever felt shame, guilt, or embarrassment and this led to my silence. My lack of acceptance for my anger led to my suffocation, and I wonder if it IS or HAS BEEN this way for others as well.

​

It’s Real

Yes, Anger is a real emotion that should not be tabooed. This is because Anger is a part of the human journey and it can be experienced daily. This emotion can’t simply be ignored, and if done so, a person can spiral quickly into different holes of depression, self-loathing, and addictive states. I’ll make clear that I don’t believe individuals should wallow within this state in order to feel something “correctly”. Nor do I advocate for a person to express their anger in a violent way towards themselves or others. I’m simply noting that we fear anger and shy away from processing fully as a society.

A Slow Progression

I have been actively working on my personal growth with fully experiencing and processing my own anger and the struggles within it. Since early 2016 I started to notice subtle shifts in my mood and outlook regarding day-to-day activities. I would wake up in a foul mood and interact with strangers in a constant state of bitter sarcasm. I felt more heartbroken as each month passed and I felt no closer to making my goals and dreams into a reality. My constant companions, Ego and Pride, were definitely the co-pilots of this wild launch into young adulthood. With this picture painted, imagine a young, hardworking, determined and naive young woman wanting to have the same path and experiences in the “Real World” just like the ones she had in school where I noticed results and excelled in an institutional setting. In the world outside of that bubble, I simply felt mediocre. I deflated with sadness and self-deprecation and Anger eventually arose. I simply didn’t know how to process this and became a quiet, ticking time-bomb. My daily thoughts became darker and angrier, my compassion for others and patience for their actions (or lack thereof) wore thin, and I blamed everyone else for why I was feeling this anger and betrayal. I felt uncomfortable with bringing up the topic of my anger to everyone: my partner, my parents and sister and my close friends from various parts in my life. I felt so unheard, but the problem was that I wasn’t even speaking!

Another point in my life where I had to process a different kind of anger, one that was directed more outwards than towards myself, is one that still lingers (though often not as noticeable). To summarize simply: I was cheated on, more emotionally than physically, by my partner in a time in our relationship where we were very vulnerable. Though this person told me about these moments and was honest about their actions, I still felt incredible pain and loss. I felt as though the trust given was simply tossed away. This pain then manifested into physical pathology leaving me feeling ill in body, mind and spirit because I was never able to feel confident enough within this emotion to speak and voice my pain and traumas. I slowly sought out methods of coping ranging from sarcasm, isolation, lashing out, sexual expression, drinking, not eating, sleeping for hours at a time, and any combination in between. I would stifle my anger from everyone I know, and my mom was one of the first people to reach out and offer her time to listen to what was going on. In those conversations with her, she was the first person who told me that it was okay to be angry. It is okay to live in it and experience it in its entirety.

My Realization and Relief

Once the idea of accepting my anger, wholeheartedly, was explained to me I found there was a great sense of relief. I then allowed myself the space to reflect on what was still being ignored. I began to have deeper and healing conversations with my partner, and I demanded them to listen to how their actions hurt me on such a deep level. This bravery in re-opening this wound set me on the track to healing. I was now able to express my anger is many creative ways. I felt heard when I sang my anger. I screamed my anger. I stomped my anger. I began to understand myself through this emotion, and it led me to a path of healing and compassion for myself, which provided me with the strength to have more compassion and healing thoughts towards those who have hurt me. Ultimately, I now allow my anger to be seen and heard. I’m happier.

Please remember you may be the voice that needs to be heard in that moment, as well. Anger will populate in many ways and in many scenarios, so please take the time to guard and protect yourself from others that don’t mean you well. Also, take the time after something happens to sit and process all that you are going through. These serious reflections and honesty with yourself (and with others in your life) is a true path to a healthier, happier self.

Be well,

Mariah