Why It’s Okay

I’m going to dive right in and assume that most people struggle with the emotion that is Anger. It will arrive in various shapes and forms, and though it can be expected under obvious circumstances and experiences, it also takes us by surprise. The sensation feels like heat, warmth, and acute inflammation in the esophagus from my personal experiences. There is a knot that will slightly twist in the stomach area, and the jaw locks solid.

Anger resides in every one of us as a sudden attack that sometimes leaves as quickly as it arrives, or it stays rooted as a chronic, dull ache that is on a constant simmer for days, weeks, months, or even years. The latter is my “go-to” type of anger. There is also the violent, destructive, and explosive anger which can end up with major consequences. I’m not a behavioural expert by any means, but I have either experienced these different forms of anger firsthand or by close association with others, and I feel confident in stating that each version of Anger is serious if not processed in a healthy way.

All of these versions of Anger are lived-in by people, and therefore I’m acknowledging that it is okay to be angry and to equally believe that you are a good person. There should be no guilt! I’m diving into this topic because I’ve personally felt guilty for being angry with other people, on various levels, and never allowed myself the moment(s) of seriously focusing on an acknowledgment of that specific anger in that present moment. I only ever felt shame, guilt, or embarrassment and this led to my silence. My lack of acceptance for my anger led to my suffocation, and I wonder if it IS or HAS BEEN this way for others as well.

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It’s Real

Yes, Anger is a real emotion that should not be tabooed. This is because Anger is a part of the human journey and it can be experienced daily. This emotion can’t simply be ignored, and if done so, a person can spiral quickly into different holes of depression, self-loathing, and addictive states. I’ll make clear that I don’t believe individuals should wallow within this state in order to feel something “correctly”. Nor do I advocate for a person to express their anger in a violent way towards themselves or others. I’m simply noting that we fear anger and shy away from processing fully as a society.

A Slow Progression

I have been actively working on my personal growth with fully experiencing and processing my own anger and the struggles within it. Since early 2016 I started to notice subtle shifts in my mood and outlook regarding day-to-day activities. I would wake up in a foul mood and interact with strangers in a constant state of bitter sarcasm. I felt more heartbroken as each month passed and I felt no closer to making my goals and dreams into a reality. My constant companions, Ego and Pride, were definitely the co-pilots of this wild launch into young adulthood. With this picture painted, imagine a young, hardworking, determined and naive young woman wanting to have the same path and experiences in the “Real World” just like the ones she had in school where I noticed results and excelled in an institutional setting. In the world outside of that bubble, I simply felt mediocre. I deflated with sadness and self-deprecation and Anger eventually arose. I simply didn’t know how to process this and became a quiet, ticking time-bomb. My daily thoughts became darker and angrier, my compassion for others and patience for their actions (or lack thereof) wore thin, and I blamed everyone else for why I was feeling this anger and betrayal. I felt uncomfortable with bringing up the topic of my anger to everyone: my partner, my parents and sister and my close friends from various parts in my life. I felt so unheard, but the problem was that I wasn’t even speaking!

Another point in my life where I had to process a different kind of anger, one that was directed more outwards than towards myself, is one that still lingers (though often not as noticeable). To summarize simply: I was cheated on, more emotionally than physically, by my partner in a time in our relationship where we were very vulnerable. Though this person told me about these moments and was honest about their actions, I still felt incredible pain and loss. I felt as though the trust given was simply tossed away. This pain then manifested into physical pathology leaving me feeling ill in body, mind and spirit because I was never able to feel confident enough within this emotion to speak and voice my pain and traumas. I slowly sought out methods of coping ranging from sarcasm, isolation, lashing out, sexual expression, drinking, not eating, sleeping for hours at a time, and any combination in between. I would stifle my anger from everyone I know, and my mom was one of the first people to reach out and offer her time to listen to what was going on. In those conversations with her, she was the first person who told me that it was okay to be angry. It is okay to live in it and experience it in its entirety.

My Realization and Relief

Once the idea of accepting my anger, wholeheartedly, was explained to me I found there was a great sense of relief. I then allowed myself the space to reflect on what was still being ignored. I began to have deeper and healing conversations with my partner, and I demanded them to listen to how their actions hurt me on such a deep level. This bravery in re-opening this wound set me on the track to healing. I was now able to express my anger is many creative ways. I felt heard when I sang my anger. I screamed my anger. I stomped my anger. I began to understand myself through this emotion, and it led me to a path of healing and compassion for myself, which provided me with the strength to have more compassion and healing thoughts towards those who have hurt me. Ultimately, I now allow my anger to be seen and heard. I’m happier.

Please remember you may be the voice that needs to be heard in that moment, as well. Anger will populate in many ways and in many scenarios, so please take the time to guard and protect yourself from others that don’t mean you well. Also, take the time after something happens to sit and process all that you are going through. These serious reflections and honesty with yourself (and with others in your life) is a true path to a healthier, happier self.

Be well,

Mariah

Do you eat to live or live to eat? Asking yourself this question can waive some warning signs on how you view food.

When you eat to live, you are more focused on fueling your body in order to function daily. When you live to eat, you connect your emotions with food and rely on food for sustainability.

What’s so bad with emotional connection with food? I am not saying that emotions towards food are all bad, but we tend to fall into relying on food to be our end all, be all instead of it being a vital source of life with some pleasure.

People fall into the habit of disordered eating, stress eating, emotional eating, and other negative effects that food can trigger emotionally and may even become very serious for your health. People also label food as “bad” and create negative energy when consuming the food. 

Take a good hard look at how you eat and WHY you eat. Are you eating because you are hungry or are you eating because you are bored? Did your boss give you a stressful task so the bag of chips you are eating helping to solve the task? We are all human and tend to hide behind quick fixes instead of solving the problem and a lot of those quick fixes are food. Start to track your daily intake and see how you are truly eating and why you are eating. From there, you should be able to see if you are eating to live or living to eat. 

There is no such thing as bad food, only better choices. People claim that they “eat clean” or  “cut out carbs because they make you fat,” but have no idea what the hell they are talking about.

Food is FOOD and nothing makes it “clean” unless you are talking about washing it. 

​Sorry to tell you, but even your organic veggies are still processed at the store. Carbohydrates are a macronutrient for your body along with protein and fat. WHY ARE YOU CUTTING OUT A MACRONUTRIENT!?!?!?! Instead of following the 100+ fad diets that promise you crazy, drastic, physical change, why don’t you just become aware of what you are eating and make the better choices for yourself. Better choices could look like eating oatmeal in the morning instead of Frosted Flakes or using balsamic vinegar on your salad instead of Hidden Valley Ranch. Small little swaps in your eating habits will add up.

This does not mean you can never eat a cookie again, but you can eat them in moderation with your health goals in mind to ensure you are properly fueling your body to survive.

As a NPC Bikini Competitor, I can assure you that I know the mental and emotional challenges of changing up my food and denying food at certain social events with friends and family. It is hard, but in order for me to reach my physique goals I had to make those choices to better MYSELF! I still went to birthday parties and family BBQs, but I just made the decision for MYSELF to eat better while still enjoying the time with my loved ones. 

You control you and can only make decisions for yourself. Food is not the enemy; food is a vital source for survival. Making better choices for yourself allows you control on how you feel and look and that’s true self-empowerment!

Great! So you’re ready to take that next step towards becoming a healthier individual.

Where do you begin?

First, I want you to focus on the overall picture and create a realistic, obtainable goal.

If you create a goal that states, “I want to lose 30 pounds in a month.” I admire your enthusiasm, but I would have to say that this goal is not realistic, nor will you find a sustainable way to do that. Basically, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and failure.

On the other hand, if you visualize and write down your goal as, “I want to lose a sustainable amount of weight in order to be more physically healthy,” this takes your focus off of the number on a scale, and directs it to how you want to “feel” overall. The scale is a good reference, but focusing only on the scale will make you feel trapped and sometimes discouraged when you are actually making progress.

In my experience, I found that taking progress photos is one of the best ways to track where you are and they are CHEAP!

You may not see the number on the scale moving drastically, but when you compare your beginning pic to a pic 5 months down the road, I promise you will see a difference. Be patient.

Once you have your big overall goal, now it is time to start breaking down that goal to even smaller, manageable actions. These actions can be as simple as walking 10,000 steps a day or changing your Starbucks drink from a Venti Frappuccino to a Grande Iced Americano.

Small changes add up overtime creating a habit. I always tell people that small changes are better than cutting everything out cold-turkey and to make sure that you are cutting out the RIGHT things! I always hear people talk about cutting out all carbs and sugars including fruit to drop the weight. Ask yourself why? There is no logic in cutting out an energy source for your body unless a medical professional or dietician has prescribed you to do so. Just because your friend Becky did and lost 10 pounds in a month, does not mean Becky is now “healthy” and is the weight loss goddess! I assure you she will not stick with it long because it is NOT sustainable. 

Lastly, keep a journal of your progress and be very descriptive. How do you feel waking up? Did you stick with your goals that day? What did you struggle with and how can you overcome the struggle? Not only will you keep yourself accountable for your progress, but also you will find a change in your habits and outlook towards your goals. 

Health. It’s a tricky little concept that is overlooked while the term is overused in today’s society.  Many people associate “health” with their medical history or physical appearance. What is the first thing that pops into your head when you hear the word “health”? For me, it is the interconnection of the mind, body, and soul in a sustainable and well-kept manner. If one part of your interconnection is off, then you become out of balance.

Mind

First, let’s look at the mind. What are your thoughts throughout the day? Are you actively reading and learning daily to keep your mental capacity up to speed? What about your emotional state of mind: happy, sad, mad, or blank? Your thoughts and emotional state of mind can make or break who you are; and if you are not putting your mental health in check, how can you become a healthy individual. You may have 6-pack abs, but if you’re not truly experiencing joy or mental clarity, your abs mean absolutely nothing. I want you to focus on your thoughts and feelings and write them down!  Did you feel depressed today? Why? Write it down and understand where this feeling came from. Thinking about a trip to Mexico or Thailand? Write it down! What sparked your interest in this trip and what are your steps to make it happen? Once you become aware of your mental and emotional state of mind, your health will be on the right track.

Body

This is one of the most overused terms for “health”. Society relies on physical appearance to define the overall health of an individual. While we can’t carry around our medical history file to show people how healthy we are, how we present ourselves and our bodies can! What I mean by this is that if you are taking care of your physical body, it will be reflected in the body’s appearance. When is the last time you thanked your body for being able to move the way it does? When was the last time you looked in the mirror and told your body how amazing it is? When was the last time you fed your body nutrient dense food to keep it going? These small little things add up quickly! Look at a puppy; it needs food, nurturing, and exercise to grow into a healthy, happy dog...THE SAME THING GOES FOR YOU! When you start moving your body through physical activity, loving the skin you’re in, and feeding your body the nutrition it needs, you will be on track towards becoming a healthier you.

Soul

We have all heard someone say, “I’m am doing some soul searching to figure out who I am.” If you are here at the Spiritual Closet, it is safe to say you are doing a little soul searching yourself. What I found is that my soul is nurtured through meditation which helps connect me with my higher purpose. What makes your soul feel whole? For many people, discovering their life purpose is one of the most difficult things to do. Something in their life feels “off” and they become lost at times trying to figure out why life is not turning out as expected. The trick here is to EMBRACE those feelings and then dig deeper as to why you’re feeling them. This is where you can assess and choose how can you make the change on your life path to get to  where you want to be. Sit down, relax and meditate on what feeds your soul. During meditation you want to experience peace, balance and joy. Meditation is quite liberating in that you can step away from the chaotic energy around you to immerse yourself in pure, calm, high-vibrational energy. Integrating the soul with the mind and body allows you to experience life in a holistic way. You will begin to feel more energized, optimistic and peaceful. To sustain your holistic health, I recommend daily meditation. It’s the best prescription for balanced health.

Most of us are working on at least one part of the health puzzle, and continuing to do so will only propel us towards our better, healthier selves. There is always room for improvement, but be kind to yourself. Self-criticism is self-cruelty. Never settle for less than you deserve, and you absolutely deserve peace, joy, and balance when it comes to your overall health.

Probably one of the most difficult lessons in life that I’m still trying to learn is to go with the flow.

For as long as I can remember (even in childhood), I have insisted on steering the boat, full throttle, in a direction that I know with certainty, is the best possible course for me and anyone else in close proximity to me. Ah, the hubris!

It took me a while to realize it, but now I can easily admit that I’m a bit of a control freak. Once I was made aware of this personality trait by a loving and kind friend, I reflected on how much it affected my overall happiness throughout the day and how that, in turn, affected those around me that I loved and cherished. So being armed with this self-knowledge, I began to take active measures to catch myself in the act of being controlling, in order to change my behavior. My family was, to say the least, very grateful!

I believe that my control issues began when I started school. I realized quickly that if I applied myself to my schoolwork, I would be rewarded with good grades and praise. Not that this is a bad thing, but I took it to the extreme by thinking that this is how I must always perform to receive any reward. Talk about pressure. Then it grew.

I had to look a certain way or have a job or career that met a specific financial standard, etc. You get the idea.

I built up in my mind this picture of what I considered the perfect woman, with the ideal body, career, husband, life. The trouble is, I had no idea what I was trying to really build. Nothing was ever perfect in my mind. I was simply reacting to external stimuli that I thought was pointing me in the direction of ultimate happiness which meant that everything had to be done a certain way, or I would be a failure.

The biggest mistake I made in all of this striving was never asking myself if I was happy. Seriously. I didn’t ask myself if I loved my career path. I knew I was good at it, but did I love it? My body was fit, and it did everything I asked of it, but did I love it? I was trying to force my life into a direction that I thought for certain was the best life for me. Why did I think I was going to love it?

It seemed that the more I pushed for this perfect life, the more I struggled. Things didn’t just naturally fall into place. There was no reward for all my diligent work! People didn’t always react the way I thought they would or what I expected to happen naturally and easily, was a real struggle.

This story is probably resonating with a few of my fellow control freaks. Push, push, push…struggle, push, struggle. It was never ending and exhausting. I watched other people I knew and they seemed to be doing really well! They were happy, excited, energetic, and fulfilled. What was their secret? Were they just lucky and I drew the short straw?

So, being the “analytical researcher” type and a spiritual seeker, I started to evaluate my methods and my intentions. AHA MOMENT! I realized that what I was doing (everything I was told that would bring me happiness) and what I wanted or intended for myself did not actually match. What I wanted in my life could not be found on the traditional path.

Fortunately, I had read books and watched movies on manifesting. I got this! So I visualized my ass off.

In my visions, I had detail, dialogue, emotions, and a clear plan on the way it should all play out. Um, what was that last one…a clear plan on the way it should all play out? Ha! I should have stopped while I was ahead. I clearly had a detailed vision of what I wanted to manifest (I even had a vision board). I felt joy and happiness as I thought about what I wanted to manifest. All good…except I wanted to control the process.

I have been working with and studying Divine Energy for a while, but I was missing the key to manifesting. TRUST.

I didn’t trust the Divine to fulfill my vision in the best way because I thought I knew how it should all play out. Then I realized that I only know about .01% of what would have to happen to fulfill my visions while the Divine sees all of the moving pieces and parts. Perhaps I needed to take a seat and allow the Divine to row the boat for a while.

So here I am now, sitting in the boat with my sun hat and holding a cocktail, allowing the Divine to take me gently down the stream. Sometimes I get anxious or fearful about my dreams, and I try not to obsess about the process. These feelings pop up like boulders in the middle of the stream and stops my progress.

When this happens I remind myself to navigate around them by having faith in the Divine. It has never steered me wrong.

I will probably always want to row the boat, but by going with the flow and allowing the Divine to steer, I get down the stream much faster and even avoid a rock or two.

Life is but a dream.

This is a story of a young, brave woman. This story is about battling a monster, alone, and in the dark.

The young woman enters her empty workplace ready for work. The Clash is blasting in the headphones and there is a coffee in hand. Yes, it is 6:15am, but her spirits are high. Things are normal. It's quiet in the building. The lights are dimmed.

She shuffles around, performing her mundane tasks, and then she enters THE ROOM. 

It’s the size of a small dog and flipped on its back, writhing in front of her. MANY profanities escape her lips, and she’s stuck in indecision between curb-stomping this little jackass and quitting her job. Once she calms down she makes an attack plan. She channels William Wallace and puts on her war paint.

She grabs a tea cup and a piece of paper. She creeps into the dungeon and yells...

"FFFFRRRRRREEEEEEEDDDDOOOOOOMMMM!!!!"

She charges. With an agile, swift movement she traps the little jack-wagon in the teacup covered by the piece of paper. It puts up a twitchy, hissing battle. It fights to free itself. But she could tell it was losing strength.

The lady warrior is in a cold sweat. She drags this dense monster down the hallway and takes the looming, dark elevator ride down to the first floor.

With her last remaining strength and a cry of anger, she throws the little bastard out with the trash. She wins the battle. She knows the war is still to come. She needs a drink.

When I tell someone, “You need to connect.” I expect them to say, “Well, I’m on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.” That’s not what I really mean when I say “connect”.

In all actuality, when we look to social media there are a plethora of ways to belong to a community. Friends and followers abound!

We can talk to people we haven’t seen in decades and have meaningful discussions with someone we’ve never met who lives in another part of the world. That is an incredible way to interact with one another and most of us do this on a daily basis.

The kind of connection I’m discussing here is about your personal connection to the Divine and to your Higher Self. Um…say what?

The connection I want to discuss here is about a daily practice of going inward, deeply inward, and finding that quiet space. The space where you can connect with Source/Divine/God and get reacquainted with your Higher Self. That place of inner peace that allows you to reset your vibration and brings balance.

Okay, stick with me here. Now I know there are some of you reading this blog and you’re nodding your heads in agreement because you are probably pro’s at this. You have practiced this connection daily for years! This blog really isn’t for you, so if you want, stop reading and go connect. Have a beautiful journey! We’ll see you when we can quiet the monkey’s swinging around in our brains.

As you’ve probably guessed by now, I’m writing about meditation. Meditation is an incredible, (hopefully) daily practice that can help anyone find peace and balance regardless of what may be happening in life. I know, it sounds like a bunch of BS, but it’s true.

I’ve talked with a lot of people on the subject and many have said, “I just can’t get my mind to be quiet.” Newsflash! This happens to EVERYONE.

That is why it must be practiced. I have to tell you, the first time I meditated, I could not believe the dialogue I had with myself. It felt like my mind was writing a nonsensical novel that jumped back and forth from the past to the future and introduced characters without plot and had an amazing car chase! I have been meditating for quite some time now, and it has become my daily practice. Some days, however, are better than others. So what I want to impart to you in this blog today are some tips and rituals I use before, during and after my mediation practice . Not everything works for everyone, and that’s why I’m hoping that some of the pro’s still hanging in with us will comment below and maybe offer any of their tips and tricks.

One ritual you can do to begin is to light a candle, or turn on a special lamp. This is a lovely way to honor your practice. In a later blog, I’ll go into more detail about setting up an altar and a sacred space. So I want to issue a small caution here: if your ritual is to get into your pajamas, light a candle and hop into bed to begin your meditation, you are probably going to fall asleep within 3 minutes while your candle is still lit! Please don’t do this. I have not done this exactly, but I have been tired many times and made myself a little too comfortable. Yep, I fell asleep. I encourage you to practice meditation when you are still alert so that you can get the most out of it. If you do fall asleep, don’t beat yourself up about it. Celebrate the fact that you are able to relax completely.

Okay, so once you are comfortable. Close your eyes and notice your breath. Don’t change the pattern, simply notice how you breathe in and how you breathe out. Breath and breathing connects you to your physical body. It’s the beginning of your awareness. Now, as you notice your breath, you may begin to feel relaxed. The next step is to change the energy surrounding you. The best way to do this is to imagine yourself surrounded in a beautiful, crystalline, white light…Divine Light. With intention, think of this Light as a protection against any lower, vibrational energies from entering your space. This light is pure, nurturing, and complete unconditional love and it protects you. With this light surrounding you, imagine breathing it in, and exhaling any feelings, emotions or beliefs outward to be transmuted to pure love in the light surrounding you. As you continue envisioning inhaling the Light, and exhaling lower frequency emotions and thoughts, start to imaging the Light soaking into each of your cells. Nurturing every part of your body. You are in a lovely space, safe and secure. Next, bring your focus to your heart. Breathe in the Light to your heart center. Take a few breaths that way. This is your Soul center.

So imagine that light in your heart flowing downward in a column of light, flowing into the Earth, through dirt, rock, water, all the layers and layers to the center or core of the Earth. Imagine the core as a ball of beautiful, crystalline light. A light of creation and life sustaining power. Once you reach that light, connect with it and lift your vibration. When you are ready, keep the column of light attached to the core of the Earth and flow your energy/attention up the light column back to your heart center. Breathe in and out.

From here, allow the light at your heart center to float up through your head, out of your crown chakra, floating higher and higher, into the Universe until you envision a Divine white light. It is incredibly light and beckons you to enter. As you enter this incredible light, your vibration is lifted to the highest level. When you reach this place, just be. You will have thoughts come into your mind, notice them arrive and allow them to flow out of your consciousness. If it becomes too difficult to let the thoughts go, focus on your breath. With practice, your thoughts will be trained to come and go with ease.

When you have reached this higher vibrational frequency, stay here as long as you can. It may not be very long in the beginning, but that’s okay. If you don’t get there for the first few times, don’t give up. It takes practice.

When you reach this meditative state, you are opening yourself to miracles. You can manifest so many beautiful things from this place. One of the best explanations of meditation I’ve heard is this: You pray to talk to your higher power, You meditate to hear your higher power.

When you are ready to end your meditation, flow your energy down, down, down, back into your heart space and let it reside there. Stay grounded and keep your bubble of protection in place. Staying grounded keeps you connected and the bubble of protection will help keep lower energies from entering into the space you just cleared.

Remember to give yourself a pat on the back for doing an amazing job, for nurturing yourself and for allowing yourself to connect.

Keep this feeling with you and keep practicing.

Remember, your circus, your monkeys. Let’s try to tame them.

Okay. This is, by far, one of the scariest things I have ever done. I am now laying myself bare to anyone who cares to visit this website and read my blogs.

I have so much I want to share with you, and so much I want to learn from you. If you’ve read My Story and About Me, you know that I’ve been on this spiritual journey for some time.

So in this opening blog, I want to share my Spiritual philosophy (so to speak) and to let you know what you can expect from this page on my website.

First of all, I will not be the only person contributing to this page. I hope to present you with content from various individuals that give a unique perspective on life, health, religion, politics, spiritual practices and tools, and all the “other stuff” that life likes to toss at us like a live grenade. I would like to explore these topics from a more spiritual, holistic view.

What does that mean exactly? Well…to me it means to approach these subjects from a perspective of compassion, love, and self-awareness.

It is a lofty goal as we are all human beings and our lives get messy as we occasionally find ourselves face down in the mud, but sometimes the words and experiences of others can lift us up and slap us in the face with truth.

It is my hope that you will read these blogs and respond with whatever feels right: laughter, tears, inspiration, (and dare I say it?) fear, and anger.

Whatever emotions come up for you, I ask that you look inward to discover the truth about yourself. I also hope that you feel empowered enough to share a part of yourself in the comments.

I view spirituality as being open to everyone. NO EXCLUSIONS. We all come from one Source. Some call it God, Creator, Universe…whatever works for you.

Everyone and everything originates from this one Source, and as such, we are connected to one another yet are separated by our individual experiences. It is my hope that we can connect over these experiences.

As I stated, the blogs will be written by various contributors who will express themselves in different ways. I’m gently trying to say that you should expect “salty” language from time to time. Try not to be offended by the words, but look beyond at the meaning and intent by the author.

So without further ado, let’s dig through each other’s Spiritual Closets! You never know what treasures you will find.

Melanie